It was once again HIS miracle and nothing else other wise a sudden decision like this was never thought in my dreams. It was not a sudden attack of pai rather a gradual symptom that progressed front he beginning of last month ie December 2020. I was not feeling good. I felt a pull in my back and a discomfort in standing was its starting. With least exertion in day to day chores I wanted to rest in bed. Noon naps were comfortable especially in the 1st floor south west bedroom where afternoon Sunshine was warm.lying in bed gave me emmense peace and pleasure of rest in my own house.often when phone calls intervened I took pride in turning phone towards the open door to show them the beauty of the noon Sun that warmed bedroom upstairs. Truly speaking, many a time,the feeling of owning such a grand house, made me satisfied but soon loneliness overtook me. I was left with uncountable grievances against the GIVER. My husband departed for ever ,groaning with complaints against Government Authorities, his inlaws, relatives and all irrespective of his achievements and what he could enjoy leaving aside what could not be attained.
Often I would cite ,”.. Mukkaddar mei itna bhi kisi ke naseeb mei nahi hota..kisi ko zameen to kisi ko aakaash nahi milta.” He smiled. He often himself quoted,”Saamaan sau baras ka aur kal ki khabar nahi”
But end of all philosophical reflections was a “zero understanding “. Result was that though he got chances of acquiring a respectful post of Director in Ranchi mental hospital, he refused it due to his fickled decisive attitude. If my understanding about his direction of thinking is correct, he couldn’t decide what was conducive for his health and need. Resources left behind by him must be equally lamenting about his bad luck. Had he been alive I guarantee he would have enjoyed a royal lifestyle. I had little idea about his financial resources yet I was convinced about our comfortable life in Ranchi house. Truely sneaking, inspite of sufficiently rich resources ,today I am alone ,living a dependent life with my daughter ,son in law and granddaughter in Mumbai . They have been much much more loving than expected yet my heart always misses my husband and the house which my husband got built with such fulfilling expectations .
It is in remembrances of his dreams of owning a big house,his plans and craving for a comfortable life style and his artisticly engrafted designs .my mind often feels strongly pursued to make this house alive once more.With this urge,I wanted to go to Ranchi and live there for sometime intermittently.
I did go there on 17th November ’20 with ferverent prayer that if I reached there before “chaatt” festival, I would observe it,if not with all rituals atleast I would fast devotedly. The zsun God did fulfill my prayers. I reached on 17th. The festival rituals were to start on 18th with Kharna..
On 17th evening when I met Bimal Mama. He offered me dinner that night and breakfast next day,so as to help me arrange my house properly . I just mentioned about my fasting and with all enthusiasm he said “तोहार मामी सब करा दीहें।तू ना घबड़ा”.And that was the beginning of the celebration in real gusto. I was content and happy things were managed well and my oblation to the Sun God was complete.
Things were going well. I enjoyed my stay in toto with my schedule of assigned activities. My garden resumed its normal looks. The new mali,Muniji was though old and not so active yet garden at backyard and front improved with Lakshmi’s help.
Few electrical repair works and requirements were also carried on. But gradually I felt my health was deterioating. A painful pulling sensation picked up strong.I could not stand for long.I liked sitting even during morning and evening prayers .
I spoke to N N P Sinha about it and she insisted on taking Homeopathic medicine as she was taking . She arranged my appointment and ong 3rd December, early morning I was sent to the Homeopathic Doctor. I started taking medicine the same day. The same morning I visited her too but forgot giving her the silk saree I had painted for her. Actually I had decided to present her on New Year’s day. I did not have any notion of my sudden plight frm Ranchi.
Anju di invited me for puja on her late husband’s birthday. She sent Chuchu Di’ car. I returned by Puppu’s car. On way I purchased nerve painkillers. They too did a little good. But pain was increasing .
On16th December,perhaps I called Dr Minni,and told her my problem. She prescribed two medicines. They were effective two days .Minni recommended me to visit an orthopedic surgeon. Ritadi’s son,Dr Rohit was an orthopedic surgeon. I thought, he being my relative, it is wise to visit him.Meanwhile Anju di called about Rohit the Christian Mason who wanted my outhouse backroom . I was in a way very obliged and happy as my loneliness would end. I asked her if she’d advice regarding my appointment with Dr Rohit. She advised me to call Ritadi. I tried calling Dr Rita lal a number of times but couldn’t. At the end when her phone said”switched off”. On 23rd December, called Chuchu di. She arranged my appointment that same evening. Next day Dr Rohit was leaving for his weekly visit to Daltonganj. Mefici es for 2800/-approx and X ray of 800/- .yes he did not take his fees.
I started his medicines from 24th. 5 capsules, twice a day. Homeopathic treatment continued simultaneously. My state did not improve rather grew painful. It was N N P Sinha chachi that sent Guddy(Sombari ‘s sister) Her presence was a great help though she felt bored and hurried home. Dr Minni and Amita her,Sujit Bhaiya’s wife came to see me.
I showed medicines given by Dr Rohit .She said of those three were pain killers. Next day I messaged Dr Rohit that my feet was becoming numb at a few points . He prescribed another medicine,Reset120. Now there were 6 capsules. My state did not change .
That same day Bimal Mama fell on the barrier constructed n on door of my bedroom, to stop rats from entering room. He hurt his left hand finger badly.blood fell on floor. I asked Santan to take him to doctor but Mama refused. I felt guilty. I couldn’t help him. I came back and lay on bed
That evening after completing electric work, Santan went home . He was asking money. Next day morning i. e . on 28th he came and took it. Later,Guddy was with me for a few hours. My state was getting worse. I asked her to stay a little more but she wanted to visit some market. She left me early before 5pm.
Iwas not feeling good. However Mami’s presence did comfort me little but physically I was not feeling good. Suddenly I felt I was perspiring and felt giddy . Mama came soon. He assured me of Mami coming soon. She did arrive. Later Mama too came . Both have ever been like divine samaritans.
It was then that suddenly I said to mami,:I will go to Pallavi’s place “.I calmed myself and rang Pai. She didn’t attend my phone. I rang Anurag. He answered. I said, I wanted to come to Mumbai. “Ye to achchi baat hai,aap aa rahi hain.”pai kahan hai”I asked. Sou rshi gai. Uthti hai to batate hain.
My eagerness wained. I felt I would die soon and create problems for children in this COVID-19 atmosphere. Hope was leaving me when Pai called me.Trying my best to appear normal, I said”कल सुबह का मेरा टिकट करा दो।”
“सब ठीक तो है?,”she asked.
I retained my calm and said ,सब ठीक हैबस यूही सोच रही तुम्हारे पास चली जाऊ।
That is the best news for the new year. आ जाओ मां।
It was then that I asked Pallavi to book my ticket by early morning flight. Rest all followed securely with all safety measures taken by Pallavi. It was in flight I was told tha break fast was also booked. Later Anurag said ,he had done it.God bless my children. May my prayers be heard.!
Then everything was instantly on the run .Emptying fridge. Cleaning and drying it,locking the rooms,not only on ground floor but also of first floor and south east premises that was cleaned and painted.fresh. I was Mami and mama who like magicians guided and escorted me. Had they not been with me that evening, strengthening me physically and emotionally. Early next morningMama dropped me on the Airport. Thoughmovingmy feetwas also diffcult,His magical grace carried me from one point to the other.I couldn’t bear a moments ‘s standing. I booked a wheelchair. Inspite of it my sitting too was difficult pain was like pulsating experience after getting burnt. The flight attendants several times asked if I was traveling alone. Anyway I have reached Mumbai. Anurag my “younger son”was there to receive me. Pai was happy to see me .I couldn’t explain how and why I came . Like angels,both Pai and Anurag have been standing for me since then though my bereft state depresses me. I see .no use in lying on bed.unpriductively. “God hear my prayers!”
Weeks have passed in this state .acupressure has improved condition but my primary requirement of standing on my feet,walking painlessly is at HIS doors.sometime I feel doubtful if ever that day will cone again
Shama Sinha
It was not that usual type of pain rather wierd pulsating throb of burning sensation. There three regions on my right foot which continuously marked their space of trouble leaving very littlet untouched area on my feet. Tears rolled down.. I wanted to groan loud but my maturity stopped me
19-1-’21. Dr kaushal Malian, orthopedic surgeon was director of Fortis hospital whose medication had given me relief but his advice of operation frightened my nerves otherwise also ,medicine Visit to doctor, operation was ever a pleasant matter for me. Added to it was long hours of waiting was ŕegretful for me ,a doctor ‘s wife who had the privilege of walking straight into cabin of doctor while long ques waited for the doctor. But now my husband was not here ,leave alone to fend for myself I had no wY.For me the operation was not a permanent solution. What would they do after that,if again sciatica troubled me?
Pai arranged acupressure treatment. It did improve together medicines advised by Dr Kaushal Malian ortho.surgeon. Director of Fortis Hospital, Mumbai. About 20 days are over . The state has acquired a static position Burning sensation increases during night. Now my lower back has started paining. Pushpa who administers acupressure is also advising me to visit Dr and take further advice for physiotherapic exercises. I feel now she has no technic left for application or my recovery is ready for exercises.
Sometimes I feel, Old age home as suitable place for people like me. Afterall how long will anyone serve me ?life is so busy and so challenging for working people that addition of any kind of further responsibility is like “last straw on the back of camel.”What is the solution then. Either I stay in service of maid servants and nurses or go to homes for people who are like me.
Helping physically in any work is not possible for me. I am myself in need of nursing. On the other side, my daughter is also tired and physically needs help to assist her in taking care of her daughter. Conditions are going to worsen as the new project begins. She will need more attention and devotionto be given to her new job. Every thing has a cost. I want to go back. I understand i am not helpful in any way to my children. My body is bereft of energy and enthusiasm. This city is very expensive. Patna and Ranchi are economical and affordable.
Last few days have brought out newer symptoms. I don’t feel comfortable in either position be it walking sitting or resting on bed. Though comparatively I have been walking around and sitting too for longer duration than what I was 20 days ago,on my first visit to Dr kaushal on 3rd January. He was also so depressed seeing my state that instead of expecting any improvement though drug prescription he suggested for MRI and subsequent possibility of surgery . Then to me too,being operated was not a mattre of abnormal concern. I was ready thinking that if it is needed it should be done.
It was in between that Pallavi introduced the acupressure lady,Pushpa. The medicine and her efforts changed the situation. Now I can brush my teeth, walk for sometime and also do little jobs as stitching or folding clothes while I am still on my chair.
It is not that my trouble is gone. Pain burning sensation and uneasiness is still there but it has decreased. I wonder what ghost attacks during night that increases burning in calf region of feet ,knees lower thigh region. Lower back too pains.ladt Sunday when Nishu called, he recommended walking for me. Pallavi had also said the same. After that I did start moving around more but couldn’t resist resting after a few minutes.
Anyway this situation continues, Lately I have also skipped morning painkillers.The Doctor had also suggested that if pain lessened.I may skip morning dose. I take evening dose but that does little help in passing night. Most of the time I keep comforting my feetwith cold compression.
Only HE knows when He will relieve me. I wonder if I will ever see Patna and Ranchi again. Last one year and more has had a good toll over my health and vigor. It is a month and14days since I arrived here. My treatment began on 3rd of January. There was a miraculous depletion in the pain symptom. On the very 2nd day after medicines began. Dr Malhan had advised for MRI.on 30th January me and Anurag visited Dr for advice, with MRI report.He advised operation. And also a second X-ray to see position of bone.
If YOU can hear me Krishna,do have mercy. The acupressure tech comes twice every week but little changes seem to take place . Numbness of calf region seems a little less but the burning sensation seems unbearable, Krishna!
Two persons (Pinki D/o Dr H P Narain and N N P Sinha chachi)who spoke of their Sciatica pain experiences accepted it to be tormenting . Chachi said she got rid of it in about a month.Pinki was unclear.
Every evening scares me. Morning makes me hopeful but as I do those exercises advised by physiotherapist and walk a few times in the hall,burning calf leaves me restless. Again I rush to bed.Even lying on bed doesn’t give comfort.
Calls from m Ranchi depress me. How energetically I took my trip to Ranchi on 17th Nov.20. Perhaps it was Surya Dev who took me for observing Chatt. I had challenged Him. I have no idea what further God plans for me. It seems useless to live like this. I am not able to sit or walk normally for more than 5minutes.
Lakshmi reja that comes on and off for work called,Hijab called,few others also asked. What do I say. The new boy Rohit and his wife do not seem to have taken responsibility of the house. Pyari is continuing as she is the oldest worker.Chacha also advised me not to remove her though he accepted that she was interested in fruits of the garden yet it was good if she was there as she is reliable. Gardener Muniji is continuing. Mama calls but I have no assurance to tell him about my return.
Ranchi house is an emotional weakness .For others in Sahiarra family too,the huge stature of the house creates envy.Many a time people have suggested for disposing it. Though none can assure me of help in case I need in emergency.
The other side is also true that living alone with no child near gives a challenging scare..The garden is a big attraction. Here in Patna ,if ever chance arises of living, I will have to satisfy myself within the four walls .Ranchi house can be left under locks.
Presently, my health doesn’t permit going anywhere. Mind also doesn’t give impetus to comb hair every day. What to say of dressing up! Krishna knows that what is in providence.
16/2Day before yesterday,the acupressure woman instructed a few exercises. Then it was okay but by night my knees thigh and hip started paining and giving burning sensation. That night I forgot totake cold compression pad .Many a time I thought of getting it from fridge but didn’t. It was trouble some. God knows when He will relieve me. Doctor visit was due yesterday. Paidid not feel good so she has postponed it for 18th. Tomorrow is Navika ‘s birthday. Iam not able to help Pai in anything. Last year ,it was a good celebration.
Today Pai had called a technician for routine blood urine test . He came twice for me,one before breakfast and another after.Pai is doing all on her own expense. I reminded her that I am getting pension,afterall what use is it if it was not made use of. But she only says she will transfer after sometime as operating from my account is complex . Actually she had spent time and made password and username for account. Now that paper is missing. I had searched it in the bag when I was in Ranchi too . I am surprised where it’s gone.
19-2-21;There’s a soft area on my right foot, near the ankle. Last night it burnt like an open wound. I woke up e few times to check if all was ok . Now the numb area not only pulsates like a burn but pinches alike removing a plaster band from skin. I feel something grips tight
20-2-21Pushpa,who comes for accupressure told about the death of her husband’s business partner due to lung infection. I asked if he had Covid19.She refused but today when Renu came to visit us she said she had stopped getting yoga lessons from Pushpa as her husband had a business and ot was dangerous in letting pushpa come in with Covid 19 cases increasing rapidly.
It is true I have improved but I have not recovered. The area of numbness and burning sensation has reduced but not gone. Sometimes the three spots burn and pinch so much that I wake up to find out whether a cut has ruptured .
I do nothing practically. Firstly I am no physically in state of doing it secondly Pallavi gives me comfort and holds loving treatment. Sometimes I feel she is returning me more than that is due. Both Pai and Anurag welcomed me so warmly.They took me to Fortis. Now too,for the follow up routine checkup she has been trying to get an appointment. Perhaps we may go on Monday.
At Ranchi,that mason Rohit has not paid February rent.Bimal mama called to say that he says he is not getting job. I asked Anju di,she told me to reduce his rent bt 500 Rs and to tell him that he must pay 1000/-regularly from next month.
Krishna,it is not the sum of 1500 rather a disciplinary question. If I give so much freedom from beginning, I feel Rohit may take it as taken for granted and not do as expected. I thought I would see his work and commitment and then graduamake his stay free. But things are not going as I thought. Managing house from far is so difficult, Krishna, gradually my energy and enthusiasm too is wainscoting. I feel like going to an ashram but risk and insecurity holds me back.
Ere at Pallavi s place, Herman’s Meena’s state is pitiable. She is weak and lately has had high BP problem .For Navika’s birthday Pai gave clothes and dry fruit packet. I feel Meena should be helped more. She looks after Navika. She is simple and earnestly sincere. But I don’t want disturbances.Life is not so simple.
10.2.21Krishna, guide me what to do.
It is not that ,there has been no improvement in my state but burning sensation still is persistent in lower part of feet,around ankle and above. I can walk but cannot continue normaly nor can sleep comfortably.
Rhe physiotherapist comes(smart enough to use PPE at least 2×. I asked herif she was doing so as her kit was crushed. She defied saying it was crushed as she kept in her bag. I feel she has understood our hint and will take care to see that she does not do it again.
Today I called Anjudi,at Ranchi. I told her that Rohit has not paid rent for last two months saying he didn’t get money. He said he would pay on 10th. On this Anju di said let him pay the rent then we will see.This is what I too thought. God willing all will be good.
Krishna,14.4.21,My condition ,my recovery is good yet not completed After exercise and bath,in the morning, I want to lie down for rest.comparitively I sit less than lying on bed. Cold compression relaxes but back pain and thigh uneasiness does seem to require more time. Sometimes I feel I am in the same state as I felt in th e beginning of Sciatica pain. The nerve in right thigh seems to twist with pain. Right calf has not loosened to its normal softness. It will be 5 months from December 20,when this physical ailment started. Nothing seems to make me happy. A depression overcomes in even combing hair. I don’t want to elaborate on this as it’s there since Sciatica pain experience left me dumbfounded in painful misery.
May be it is laziness too. Definitely, Pai is giving me more care than I can ever imagine. Is it your mercy? …of all changes,I have lost courage of returning to Ramchi house and living alone. Rohit, the mason doesn’t reply my calls. Bimal Mama is there as my last resort. Pyari is not going to do any work except taking fruits. This year for the first time mangoes have blossomed. The front garden does not seem to be taken care of. Every thing is in its place. Material requires emassed.A quiz,what good does it have if not used?Nothing accompany us yet we are only worried about them. My husband departed leaving money ,Material Every thing in its place. I ran assessing and arranging in their place and that is how they are. Nothing is used as it should have been
Covid cases are on steep every where in India.Once again 15 day curfew is implemented in Bombay . Yesterday i called Anju di’s maid Kiran.She is down with Covid,in her native village. For a few minutes I thought I would ask her to stay in Ranchi house, if she needs after she returns and Anju di doesn’t want to keep her but it may not be desirable for my relations with my cousins.
No more do,Baua,Baby or Tuttu call.Earlier too they were not so warm except for the sale of m2/18 sale.Twice Choti called after I returned to Mumbai. Later she toostopped. Ater all they have tricks to dispose the property without my presence. Yes I do regret telling truth of my presence in Ranchi at the time of marriage of Bau’s daughter. I regret my outspoken truth has taken away my children share in their grandparents property. But otherwise too,who cared and the rudeness with which Baua replied. Perhaps it is HIS wish… I don’t want to elaborate nor want to make attempts. Let it be as destiny wants.
I have recovered to a great extent,except sometimes when slight gripping of metal mesh does give me shiver. I have been exercising regularly, rather made it a cumpulsory routine .It takes about an hour every morning and evening. As I recover my activities include teaching writing to Navika and also looking after her during other times because her maid Mina ‘s interaction has been lessened due to Covid. The second phase has become more contagious and has been rapidly increasing
Casualties are more. Frequently news of demise of known people disturbs mi d. Death seems following human race .fear of death scarce less than fear of infecting near and dear ones. I feel disposing corpses Covid infected people is another major problem. My husband seems to have been lucky. He died before the world faced Covid. I am swinging in airline dust particle seeking burial to this body.
Jugnu,Shobhna and Sushilji, all three covid positive. Shobhna suffers most. She has been in high fever since a week Ratna’s parents, her third brother, all in treatment. Neerudi’s daughter and son in law seriously ill. Minni,her husband, nurse helper in clinic and maid all infected
State of Ranchi house is also not safe .Rohit did not pay rent after the first initial payment in Dec. He doesn’t take my calls and lately was seen going out with a companion in drunk state(bhumihar tenant Shambhala Shankar informed) I am apprehensive towards rent payment of Shambhu too as he has now come to know of Rohit,not paying rent.
I don’t know how to tackle this problem. Its been reocurring since years. Children niether have time nor want to come. I don’t have any support except the ALMIGHTY. Gradually I am getting fed up and exhausted of doing things alone,though I have been facing it since childhood. Every family has support of its family members, spouse, relatives Children, a few to count but my life seems void of any. I’m tired and lone in all circumstances. Even when husband was there he stepped aside to leave me alone in time of need. Now he is gone,a greater vacuum envelops me. I am in daughter’s house. She takes care of everything I need but did I ever expect, I will become a dependent being inspite of every thing needed in my ownership? Covid, further limits life. Movement, freedom Independence and all are reduced. From morning to night the ambulance keeps sounding and cautioning me further towards future!