Late or soon life enriches everyone with similar experiences……nothing is permanent. …except deeds there’s no value. ….wealth and power betray man….we are souls……our duty is to travel from one life to another…our lives are based on our karma. …..souls meet and separate as per their debit and credit of karmic accounts….
Things that appeared myths and fads become facts as experiences in life open truths.
On second last Sunday of last month, the 24th July my husband Dr Sushant Prasad Sinha left me for ever,for his heavenly abode.An unbelievable fateful event that forces me to accept the providence. Destiny trains us the way our life is going to shape in future. I had always objected in accompanying me.Why he always send me alone to carve my way out,why he did not accompany me on any invites,why he did not take me to those ceremonies where he was invited. …. He educated me for the satisfaction of his ego but it stands as a huse courage booster today when I am really alone….
Then his shadow stood at my back as an anchor to my ship ….. now it is his inculcated boldness in me . However our interactions and reciprocations were never contending . Both of us found each other, not sympathetically compatible yet life was always a joint venture. Though I was a part and parcel of all his financial ventures and he was for me my commitment,my conjugal promise which I could never think of betraying in all consequences. His appreciation for other women relatives his classmates his sisters did irritate me earlier but since last one year of hearing lectures of Brahmakumaris,I had learned to accept him as he was. What ever happened but for me he was my only husband,my only companion!I shall always miss him!However he rejected me yet at times when we were in agony we spoke out openly.I could vent out my feelings be it good or bad,frankly with all vigor yet our communication never stopped.
Iwish I had heard the Brahmakumaris since I gained my consciousness. I would lose all the sorrows and complaints. What a beautiful person I would be!But its useless to remorse when all is lost!
I never imagined he would predecease me, that too at such short notice and in such state that I would be left completely amazed and stunned. The first moments of the doctor’s statement left me dumb and surprised. It seemed a lie. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully. I felt he would soon rise and say why he was on a stretcher…why doctors not attend him sincerely. But it didn’t happen. I was all alone.I didn’t know how to react
My actions were mechanical.I was tearless. It was a time when alike, all other moments of my life I were all alone. There was no one to stand.None to console.None to comfort me.Even his shadow betrayed me!
It was around 4.30 that Nishu had called. It was hewho called and handed over the phoneto me saying”Nishu ka phone hai”
I asked”aap nahi baat keejiye ga?”
“Nahi”,he replied. Then he was sitting on bed facing north with his legs down.
“Beta ko do line kah deejiye”,I asked.
“Mera tabiyat theek nahi hai.kal baat karenge!” ,he gave the phone to me saying, “us room me jaaker baat karo”.
I saw him, he tore two small tablets from a foil and put it in his mouth and with a pillow over his head he faked sleeping.
Then too I did not realize that his state was not normal.He did understand perhaps but last couple of times the ECG had not indicated neither his treadmill test of the abnormalities and he had asked his friend,Dr Sunil Kumar a couple of times,another Muslim doctor perhaps he did not want to ask anyother person anymore.
I talked to Nishu for not less than 15 minutes. When I came back he was sitting near the wndow looking out.
“I will call Rakesh your state is not normal”,I told him. He waved his hands gesturing not to do so. But I called Rakesh”Aap jaldi aayeeye,Dr Sahab ki tabiyat theek nahi hai”
I dialed Dr Sunil kumar’s number. It did not answer. I panicked. I wanted to cal Dr Bhagat too. My mind was not working.
“Haan”.
I cleaned and tried to put the clean dhoti around him. He refused. He told me”wo lao”
I brought the track pants,given by Pallavi.
His leg was not his command. I put his foot into the pants and asked”kahan le chale aapko?”
He was so irratated with my voice that I was apprehensive of suggesting on my own.
“ICU” ,He said.He was in his complete consciousness.
All three men put him into the car.His legs hung out. I closed the house and turned to embark into the car.I saw his foot and tried t put it in. He was alert he took his foot inside,immediately.
His slippers fell out of the door. I picked it and sat inside the front seat of the car.
Rains had started by then .Nishikant drove the car fast. I heard Rakesh ask him “Theek hain na sir.”
I heard his soft groaning answer twice”haan”
Then the car jerked near the left turn towards the JLNMC hospital.
We reached the emergency door. For seconds I was in the car then I ran towards the stretcher men and asked “Doctor log jahan baite hain?”
I rushed to their chamber.
I told them Mai Dr S P Sinha Asst Prf. Ki wife hoon. Mere husband ki tabiyat theek nahi hai.jaldi aaiye!”
The syretcher was brought He was taken in.A doctor touched his wristvto get the pulse and then suggested taking him to the emergency for oxygen. I stood near the door as they treated him.Soon they triedto resuscitate him.Rakesh wad bedide him.He too tried to do the same .Then I sae the Doctor distance from him
For me it wad like a drama. Now he was! now he is not!
Suddenly I saw him gasping. “Arre aap to hanf rahe hain.”
He looked at me in a strange manner.That was his last glance at me. I ran towards Usha’s part.
“Usha !Usha!”I called twice but she was engrossed in talking on phone.
I ran back.his condition did not appear normal. This time Usha responded.
My husband is serious. If you could help me in taking him to a doctor in my car!”I asked her.
“Hamko ghabrahat lag raha hai ,madam.”She said.
But immediately all those living in the house arrived including the professor living upstairs,Rakesh.
He got up from bed.”Apko saaf ker dein?”
She called Nishikant from neighborhood
I remember well I was going for my evening prayers when I saw him trying to breath ,with his tongue rolled up as he looked out of the windows on west ,He had come from the toilet after passing stool and had again passed stool a second time on bed.
He was conscious. He shouted as I was sieving the vegetable soup I made for him.I ran to him.”Hamko phir ho gaya”.he said.This was around 6.30 pm
Saaf ker dein?”I asked.
“Nahi hamko chod do.Mat chuyo.Mera tabiyat theek nahi hai.”
I left him in that state without understanding his unusual restlessness.
I was all alone till Mrs Verma (w/oDr N K Verma )arrived. Dr N k Verma also remained with me till the body wad dispatched and brought home in a hospital ambulance.
Hospital authority conducted their formalities. I narrated the facts as if I was a guardian and not the wife .stone hearted I had to do the formalities. Today I realise how steeled I had become. Today too though 24 days have passed I donot feel his absence. A wait for him continues.
Memory of those hours spent with him continues. Who could ever imagine that only a couple of hours later I would be left alone.
On 23rd July2016,he woke up late around 8.30 am I was doing my exercises. Going to the bathroom, he passed by saying”Hum bhi tumhare saath kal se kasrat karenge”
After he brushed, he and I sat for tea.”Aaj ki chai achichi bani hai “he said.
Hum to roj hi koshish karte hai ki chai achchi bane .”
He then read a joke from his PMCH75 whatsapp messages.we both laughed heartily.
“He said laughing once a day gives good health.”
Then he gave lots of instructions for the painting of walls,he chose the chocolate color of garage door in our existing rented house….. the satyanarayan kathaa to be recited(as I had promised to do so after returning from Germany)…. the Saptasati paath(as this time I had planned to go for 10 days,ticket was of 29th July from Bhagalpur while for returning was on 7th or 10th of August 2016.) He then said he would take out papers for the work to be done at Ranchi.
After that he went to take a nap.his state health deteriorated.He lay on edge with high fever and cold . It was Saturday, iwas reading Sunderkand when he passed me by after bath . It was his habit he always bathed in all conditions everyday. That day Ihad prepared karela bhujia paratha and salad for breakfast. Before sitting for prayers I had kept his breakfast on trolly and informed him. Soon I saw him going towards kitchen to keep his thali,”nahi khane kaman hai”, he said.
“Dhaak ke rakh deejeeyega. “I said.
When I returned after my puja and asked “kya ho raha hai,Rakesh ko bulayen?”
Phone ker do aaj hum clinic nahi aayenge.koi mareej aaya hai to kahdena Somwar ko bula lega.”
On my information, soon Rakesh his clinic assistant came. Rakesh was earlier a MR of SUN company and had requested my Dr to assist him in setting up his medicine shop..My husband had supported him with all means. He reciprocated gratefully.
“Kya ho raha hai Sir?”
Kuch nahi. Aaj nahi jaayenge…..tumko kuch mangana hai?
My husband looked towards me.
Aap jo khayega to mangaoon.aise humko kuch nahi chahiye….Aap kuch dawaa lenge?..
…pooch ker aap khila dijiye Rakesh. Humaree baat maanenge nahi…
Then he said”2 pkt doodh ,paneer aur 1/2kilo sev manga lo.”
That afternoon I prepared chena payas and he ate it with appetite. At night too he asked for it .”Kal khayeega aaj harja karega”
Nahi yaheen rakh do.
“Hum la ker de denge.garmi hai fat sakta hai.fridge mei rakh dete hain. “I said
It was around 3pm when my eyes opened. Light was on and I saw him eating Payas from the tiffin box.
“Humko uthaye kahe nahi?”
“Tum gahri neend mei thee “
He went to the washroom after that and putting of rhe light he lay in his bed.